Monday, January 28, 2013

Top Ten Most Frustrating Characters Ever


hosted by The Broke and Bookish

I think the level of hate I am capable of holding in my heart for fictional characters is not healthy. I'm honestly a pretty cheerful person (no, really), but I am alarmingly prone to rant as well. Which is why I was afraid when I saw what this week's Top Ten Tuesday subject was. I was all, "Oh, great. I'm probably going to rant again."

Guess what? I ranted. I can't help it. Trigger my inner grumpopotamus and STAND BACK, 'cause thar she snarks! It's like a geyser of negativity! You just can't stop it!

Which is why I must preface this with a little warning. I am not known for pulling punches, and I certainly don't do so in this list. My feelings for these characters are my feelings only, and they are only for these characters and CERTAINLY NOT for the readers of these books. I don't think people who love the books I don't like are stupid or wrong. If you love these characters, that's fine! I love you. I don't want to insult you and I really hope I don't offend you with my curmudgeonly ways.

Also, a lot of these characters happen to have a lot of redeeming qualities, and I like a lot of the books they appear in. I don't hate all the characters I've listed; these were just the ones I was most frustrated by. Some I do hate, though. I can't help it.

I get a bit spoiler-y, so if you come across a character from a book you haven't read, you may want to skip over that one.

1. Mia Thermopolis from The Princess Diaries
I love Mia. She's a lot like me. But sometimes she's so dense I want to reach through the pages and shake her. She actually spends an entire book freaking out about whether her boyfriend is in love with her or just loves her. Mia. Girl. If a teenage boy trots out the L word-- particularly that teenage boy-- YOU'RE SOLID. JUST RELAX. Unless your hair makes you look like a moose. Then it is time to panic.

 




2. Molly Bartolucci from Undeadly
Molly frustrated me so much I felt compelled to rant for quite a while about her. She is dumb as a box of rocks and talks like her brain has been replaced with a cell phone. She is incapable of solving simple mysteries and apparently does not care if her actions lead directly to the deaths of several of her classmates. The DEATHS. Of her CLASSMATES. And she only ever worries about her boyfriend.

3. Lavender Brown from Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
Lavender Brown, kindly step away from Ronald Weasley. AWAY, I SAY. Don't make me crucio your ass.

And I happen to not give a flying hippogriff.
Honorable mention goes to Ron Weasley for sixty-percent of HBP and his HORRIBLE BETRAYAL in DH, even though I love my Won-Won.

4. America Singer from The Selection
Well, mostly I was frustrated by her complete lack of personality. Then I was frustrated by her inability to appreciate the fancy clothing being flung at her. "I'm a simple girl! I like simple things! Like jeans! And constantly talking about how un-beautiful I am! Even though I have two boyfriends!" Then I was frustrated because I wanted her book to be better than it was, but that wasn't her fault, I guess.

5. Mr. Rochester from Jane Eyre
Stop literally every single thing that you are doing. Yes, I'm talking about the part where you are a total ass to Jane for two hundred pages, including dressing in drag and pretending to be an old gypsy lady for God knows what reason, and then you're all, "Just kidding! I was pretending to not care about you to make sure you loved me! It was a test! You passed! LOL, wasn't that fun? We shall be married in the morning." Yes, I know you love Jane. No, you should not marry her. Why, you ask? Really? WHY? I'M PRETTY SURE YOU KNOW WHY, MR. ROCHESTER. I AM PRETTY SURE YOU ARE AWARE OF WHY THIS IS A BAD IDEA.

 

6. Frodo Baggins from The Lord of the Rings
I will be mean to anyone who is mean to Samwise Gamgee. Dude. He was willing to leave the freaking Shire, get attacked by orcs like a hundred times, scale all manner of tall things, and endure the never-ending lunacies of a withered, bug-eyed schizophrenic, all for you. The least you can do is be nice and quit being so maudlin. And when you finally get to the place you've been limping toward for three thousand pages so you can accomplish the one simple task that will save all of Middle Earth, you do it. You throw the damn ring in the lava. Immediately.

On second thought... it really is very shiny, isn't it? It would be
a shame to destroy something so shiny.

7. Holden Caulfield from Catcher in the Rye
I just want to pinch him. Whiny, ungrateful little snot. You make me feel old and curmudgeonly, Holden. I was assigned this book in ninth grade, when I was fourteen years old, and all my friends were like, "He so gets me! He's the voice of youth! Adults are phonies!" And I was like, "Apparently, so am I, because I just want to whap him and tell him to get the eff off my lawn and go back to school."

8. Everybody in Falling Kingdoms
This was one of those books where I found myself talking to the characters out loud. "Cleo, no. NO. That is a STUPID PLAN. What do you expect to actually do out there? Well, don't look at me when everything blows up in your face. Ugh, Magnus, don't. That's evil. Please don't do that. What are you- DON'T DO THAT. DO NOT DO THAT. SHE'S YOUR SISTER STOPPIT STOPPIT--" *vomits everywhere*

9. Araby from Masque of the Red Death
GIRL. Take some anti-depressants or something. You are bringing me DOWN. Yeah, she improved a lot as the book went on, but in the beginning, Araby was just deliberately, persistently depressed. I really can't stand characters who actually try to be gloomy. I mean, she made this stupid pact after her brother died that she can't ever do anything that her brother will never get to do, due to his no longer being alive. This includes experiencing any joy whatsoever, apparently. Oh, you don't care about life? FINE. Then I don't care about you. Moan moan moan.

10. Amy March from Little Women
Not only did you steal Laurie, but you BURNED. JO'S. MANUSCRIPT. She may have forgiven you, but I never forget, Amy March. Never. You ever try that with my manuscript and I will throw you into the flames along with it.

Made for my parents, posting for interweber.



11. Zoey Redbird from the House of Night series
Zoey's daily agenda includes whining, being selfish, not dying when she should, stringing along at least twelve different guys, cheating on all of them, lying to her friends, talking like an idiot, and treating perfectly nice people like "bullpoopie" (direct Zoey quote).

12. Bella Swan AND Edward Cullen from Twilight
Oh, Twilight. I would not be surprised if Bella showed up on ninety percent of today's lists. She is a very popular target nowadays. Let me say that when I first read these books, I didn't just read them; I gobbled them up like they were delicious sugary pie (my pie-eating methods include eating it all and eating it very fast). The thing about Twilight is that it can fool you with it's Twilightian logic. You get brainwashed by the many, many descriptions of Edward's flawless face. You don't realize the inherent WTFery present until you take a step back and go "Hold the phone. This is not healthy. THIS IS NOT RIGHT."

Bella and Edward are both frustrating characters to me because I never understand their decisions or their thought processes. Their warped logic utterly CONFOUNDS me. But worse than that, I am frustrated and infuriated by the horrible life lessons they impress on readers.


Kill me. Kill me !
Why do you NEVER value your own life AT ALL?

Lessons Bella Swan teaches us about life:

- Be klutzy to the point where you are actually physically disabled. It's cute. It will make boys want to eat you save you. And you need a guy to save you. Or else you'll probably be raped.

- If a guy is hot, it doesn't matter if he frequently talks about how badly he wants to murder you. He's hot! And sparkly! Who cares about dying? Being single is wayyyyy worse.

- You are nothing without a boyfriend. Codependence is where it's at. The more depressed you are when you get dumped, the more reaaaal your feeeeels were. Twue wuv means not being able to live without him. Bonus points if you manage to actually lose your goddamn mind in his absence.

- Have no other friends besides your boyfriend. If they don't sparkle, they don't count.

- Always take direct orders from your boyfriend in the most obedient fashion possible. You are woman, he is man. It make sense.

- If you start having hallucinations, the best thing to do is jump off a cliff so you can keep having them.

- You are inadequate and inferior. The only way to hold on to the super hot boy who makes your panties heart flutter is to fundamentally change every aspect of yourself, even on a cellular level.

- Don't have sex, because you will get pregnant and die. Don't have sex in the missionary position, don't have sex standing up, just don't do it, okay? Promise? Okay, now everybody take some rubbers.
 


Lessons Edward Cullen teaches you about life:

- Girls totally love it when you break into their rooms to watch them sleep at night.

- They also love it when you threaten to kill them.

- The best way to treat a woman is to treat her like your inferior. Rescue her often. Let her know that without you, she'd probably be dead. She will worship you like the pagan god you are.

- Your ideal mate is at least ninety years younger than you.

- Hate yourself. Hate yourself A LOT.

- If the girl you love dies, you should probably just die too. Suicide is totally in these days.

- Have no objections if your wife's ex-boyfriend decides he will one day sexify your infant daughter. THIS IS A NORMAL THING.


Not-so-honorable mentions: Ever from The Immortals, Cassia from Matched, Bianca from Evernight, Patch and Nora from Hush, Hush, every single solitary soul in Wuthering Heights, Lydia from Pride and Prejudice, Effie from The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, Luce from Fallen, and... wow. Still so much hate in my heart. I'm going to go hug a puppy or something.

33 comments:

  1. Ah, definitely agree with a lot of your list, but especially Bella, Holden, and Lavender Brown. Nora from Hush, Hush is my most frustrating/annoying character ever, but Bella is close behind. I didn't find Araby from Masque of the Red Death frustrating enough to make the final cut of my list, but yeah, her depression at the beginning of the book is quite annoying. I think the thing that really gets me is that she has REASONS to be depressed, like the whole city being wiped out by a plague, slowly, but the things she were depressed about were things on a less global scale. I did feel sympathetic towards her losing her brother, but it took so long for that to be revealed that it was quite annoying at first.

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  2. I haven't read all these books but I completely agree w/ Amy March, Bella & Edward. Strangely I didn't loathe Lavender Brown but she did get annoying at time. LOL! Thanks for making me laugh and yes Ron, Bella should sort out her priorities.

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  3. Oh man, Amy March, I nearly died when I read that segment about Jo's manuscript. As an aspiring writer I think I would've seriously lost it if someone did that with my writing.

    I remember being annoyed about Lavender Brown and while I didn't mention it in my list, agreed re: Bella and Edward.

    Here's my list of 10 irritating/frustrating characters =)

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  4. Another person sharing the Bella hate! I love this list, especially Lavender Brown and Amy March. I had totally forgotten about Ms March!

    I did my own list over at http://mycupandchaucer.com/top-ten-tuesday-29-january-2013/--Ms Swan is a main feature.

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  5. Oh gosh! I can't even begin to share how much I loved this post. Great picks.

    Thanks for sharing.

    Here's mine

    ~Danica Page @Taking it One Page at a Time

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  6. bwahahaha I am cracking up over your Bella and Edward rant. Love it!

    Marissa @ Rae Gun Ramblings

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  7. I am laughing so hard! I completely agree with you on Frodo LOL

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  8. Hahaha Amy March is going in my list too. I hated her for burning Jo's manuscript!

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  9. How did I forget Amy March!

    LOVE your Bella/Edward rant. I will totally admit to getting completely sucked into these books when I first read them (like read them through in order 3 times in a row). Once I stopped to think all the troubling messages in the book come flooding back to me.

    So if I'm being honest, I'm frustrated with myself for enjoying Twilight.

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  10. Oh my gosh, you're list was so funny! And seriously, Mr. Rochester! I have this love hate relationship with the book! Sometimes I am all like, but you know its kind of romantic. But then I think Mr. Rochester is a total jerk because he LOCKS his WIFE in the attic. Maybe he should have been smart enough to NOT marry her in the first place.

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  11. LOL I love it! The list is hilarious and I love your included graphics LOL

    My Top Ten

    Angelica @
    Paperback Princess

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  12. You're right, I think Bella is getting a lot of attention on this week's top ten lists! I agree re Mr. Rochester. Really, what is up with the gypsy lady business? Great list!

    Lisa
    My TTT

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  13. Oh my God, this was probably the funniest post I've seen today. Thanks for the laugh, especially because I agree with you about every single one.

    New follower via GFC!
    Manda C.
    http://isolemnlyswear.com/

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  14. Ow great post. I noticed while I was writing my post that I got angrier and angrier and I stopped so I could totally understand your introduction.

    I really love your post and agree with the characters on it :) thanks for the laugh!

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  15. Hahahahhaha. Okay, I might be done now. But I will DIE because you used a Mean Girls quote and a Twilight comparison in the same paragraph. o_O But I do agree about Bella and Edward...ick. And Holden Caufield. Sucks. And ever sentence he speaks ends in a variation of a cuss word. Ay. Anywho, terrific post, Gilly! (:

    Loves,
    Megan@The Book Babe

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  16. Wooo, that is a long list! I have to agree with the entire Bella/Edward post, though I completely forgot about them on my list. I have Zoey on my list too, I can't stand her. And yea, Lavender needs to BACK OFF Ron. Seriously, desperate much? Lol.

    Great list. :]

    Check out our TTT!

    -Kait @ YA Vixens

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  17. Hahaha, I so love this. All of your reasons for Edward and Bella are PERFECT. When I read it the first time, I didn't notice anything because all of it seemed to make so much sense. But then I tried to read it when I was older and I just couldn't. Those two characters are RIDICULOUS. Also, I will forever love your snark.

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  18. Oh my god I love everything about what you said on Bella and Edward. Everything I feel about them is right there. PERFECT. Both Bella and Zoey made it onto my list as well! I am now following you :)

    Kelly @ Dandelion Dreams
    You can find my Top Ten here.

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  19. I'm so glad you included Holden! I never understood his appeal. Amy March still makes me angry even though I read Little Women over a decade ago. Someday you should do an epic rant on Wuthering Heights in the same vein as your Bella/Edward one. I'm sure it would be hilarious.

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  20. Ah hah! I think Bella is on EVERY LIST. Or at leats she should be.
    I have to agree with the Falling Kingdoms bit. I REALLY wanted to like it like I like Fire and Ice. But... I honestly didn't bat an eyelash when people were in danger or died. :/ meh.

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  21. Totally with you on Frodo and Bella and Eddy. I watch the LOTR movies over and over and always think that they should have cut out the middle man and gave that ring to Sam to destroy because he did the majority, if not all, of the work involved in getting it to the lake of fire.

    And I won't even get started on Bella and Eddy. Those two make my skin crawl.

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  22. I agree with so many of these! Especially the Twilight rant, so funny! :-) And yes, Mia! Can't believe I didn't think of her, she is very frustrating at points.

    Here's my Top Ten.

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  23. Best. Post. Ever. I laughed so hard. I agree with you on pretty much everything you said. I am not gonna lie, I'm a Twilight fan, but your life lessons from Bella and Edward made me laugh really hard.

    Thanks for sharing!

    My Top Ten

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  24. I completely agree with you on Holden Caulfield and Twilight!! He was just too depressing for me and Bella seems to like getting into life-or-death situations, and having a guy stare at you while you sleep is just creepy. Thanks for the awesome post!!

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  25. Grrr. I don't think my comment went through. Let's try this again.

    I laughed so hard during this post. You get extra bonus points for the Paolo GIF (my fave part of TPD2 other than Chris Pine) and for the Bella and America vitriol. Those two. Ugh.

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  26. This post literally made my day. Not only that, I laughed SO MUCH. I can't even begin to say how much I agree with the people on this list. America? Yes. Amy March in the flames? I'll go for that. The other people? HAHAHA YES. I loved your rants as well, although I always do. I'm a rant-y person. Also, your last paragraph made me want to squeeze you and yell, "THIS IS WHY I LOVE YOU." Because although creepy, I do.

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  27. I agree with your list. Amy March needed a few spankings. I'd be happy to do it myself. I try to give her a pass because of her age, but I really can't. Total love to your Twilight lessons. I've never read the books or seen the films, but from what I've heard I'm not sure I would have taken the plunge to read them a few years ago.

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  28. I have to start by admitting I did not read the parts about Edward and Bella. I have so many problems with Twilight, but I always get really annoyed when I read what other people have to say on the matter. I don't know why this is. Call me a hypocrite, haha. I just know that if I read that section, I would want to get into a huge debate. Apparently I'm an argumentative hypoctite!

    I'm actually not always upset about being frustrated by characters. Snape frustrated the HELL out of me. But I loved his complexity. Then there are cases like Tris in Insurgent. I almost threw my book. I wanted to throw it at her, but she's fictional. Lol. There are also cases like Jacob Black, in which I am frustrated beyond belief at Stephenie Meyer for ruining an otherwise cool character. Author frustration is the hardest for me to deal with. If a character is being a numbskull, I'll get over it quickly enough, and probably like the book better for it in the end. If the author is the one messing up, I'm done. Stick a fork in me. If I think of the author when reading a book, the author has failed.

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  30. I still like Twilight, but you just have to take the whole thing with a grain of salt -- your list of lessons was pretty awesome & so true

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  31. AAAH! Molly from Undeadly was so annoying, I couldn't continue the book. I just couldn't. GREAT LIST! =)

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  32. As usual you made me laugh out loud. Great list!

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  33. I love Amy March.
    Therefore, you are wrong.

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