Friday, July 12, 2013

Worst YA Breakups




Break ups in real life are obviously way worse than fictional ones, but the fictional ones can still really sting. And really, is there any good way to break up with someone? I mean, how diplomatic can you be when you're essentially handing the other person their soul and hearts and guts on a platter and saying, "Sorry about that. I just don't really actually like you anymore"?

 

Anyway, here are a few of the worst ones I know of in YA literature.

Obviously, there be SPOILERS in these waters, so ye be warned.

Bella and Edward from New Moon

You know where I would choose to break up with the slightly unbalanced girl with codependency issues who is incapable of basic life skills like walking and not dying? In the forest. Obviously the best way possible to break up with someone who pledged to kill herself if you ever die, and who has the lowest self esteem in history, is by lying to her and making her feel as shitty as possible and then fluttering off and leaving behind nothing but your glorious vampire scent. Edward, you are a douche.



Bella and Jacob from Eclipse

You know where I would choose to break up with the muscled and friendly werewolf boy who, yes, rape-kissed me until I broke my hand (let it never be said that Jacob didn't at least try to win the Douche Olympics against Edward), but also risked his life to save mine in an epic battle? Why, I'd choose the moment after said battle, when every bone in his body has been broken by a baby vamp and then REBROKEN by a handsome doctor vamp, and he's currently lying in his poky little bedroom in agony and I've just pledged to marry another. That is the moment I would choose to say,

 

Henry the VIII and Anne Boleyn/Catherine Howard from Tarnish and Gilt by Katherine Longshore, respectively

Nothing says, "It's not me, it's you," like chopping off a girl's head.

Kai and Cinder from Cinder by Marissa Meyer:

Nothing says, "Thanks for coming to the ball, darling!" like throwing your Lunar cyborg girlfriend in prison.

Harry and Cho from Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

Cho basically has a freakout about Harry and Hermione being friends, even though they're the greatest non-romantic relationship in history. Then she starts talking about her dead boyfriend and all the other guys who asked her out. While this, technically, wasn't their exact breakup scene (I think the last convo they had was about Marietta "SNEAK" Edgcombe and how Cho has shitty taste in friends), it was the nail in the coffin.

ALTERNATE SHIPPING THEORY: Hedric. Carry. Pottery. OMG POTTERY.

 Harry and Ginny from Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
Harry, you know I love you, and I know you're being all noble and self-sacrificing and shit by breaking up with your lady love so Voldemort doesn't kill her (like he's killed EVERYBODY ELSE YOU LOVE), but... Dumbledore's funeral? Is this really the moment to crush her heart? When she's sitting in front of his tomb, and Ron and Hermione are sobbing right next to her, and Hagrid is howling so loudly that only Grawp the giant can comfort him? I bet that made the ride back home on the Hogwarts Express rather awkward.

Kai and Elliot from For Darkness Shows the Stars by Diana Peterfreund
Technically this breakup happens before the book begins, but OOF, is it a rough one. He asks her to run away with him all romantically and swoonily and she...says no. She's ultimately RIGHT (ish), but man, is that cold.

Jonathan and Alanna from The Woman Who Rides Like a Man by Tamora Pierce
JONATHAN YOU COMPLETE JERKFACE.

Aspen and America from The Selection by Kiera Cass
Ugh. So. I have a lot of OPINIONS about Asspen... um, Aspen, rather... but my hatred for this douchebucket was cemented when he crushed America's heart in that tree house before she ever even went to the palace. I'm not the biggest America lover, but that is COLD, BROTHER. Also, it led to America whining and moping for the next two hundred pages, so thanks for that. Asspen.



Nikki and Jack from Everneath by Brodi Ashton
Erroneously accusing someone of cheating then vanishing into a shadowy abyss where monsters feed on your soul for six months is kind of the worst way to end things with someone. Or maybe that's just me.

Jared and Kami from Unspoken by Sarah Rees Brennan
JAAAAAAREDDD WHYYYYY? Why with such coldness, such cruelty? Which did you lie your sensitive little face off and tell her she's NOTHING SPECIAL? Why?



What YA breakups have left you traumatized, or did you think were particularly brutal? I left a bunch off this list, obviously, mostly because I can't remember the details (like, I'm pretty sure Michael and Mia had an awful breakup in one of the Princess Diaries books, but can't for the life of me remember specifics).

23 comments:

  1. MICHAEL AND MIA. YES. I agree with Kami and Jared. MY HEART. And Cinder and Kai. Oh. Yes, that one, too.

    Ugh, this us agreeing is awkward.

    Book relationships, what do you to do my heart? (sniff)

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  2. Lol! I did a post on breakups (the "for your own good" trope, and called it "It was like a big huge dumping." Hahaha. I know you will appreciate that.

    Bahahaha at Katherine Longshore books, though Gilt doesn't go through the chopping technically, but still LOLOLOL

    OMG, I love your "nothing says" bits.

    Bleh, Cho. She is one of my least favorite characters EVER. SO ANNOYING. Also, POTTERY, though I cannot ship that. I prefer Dracarry if it comes to slash. Lucius Malfoy, King of the Wereleopards demands it.

    What really pissed me off about the Harry/Ginny breakup is that like the whole message of HP is that LOVE is powerful and important (hello, end of book one), so maybe you shouldn't push people away.

    I do not remember how Jonathan and Alanna broke up. I LITERALLY ONLY REMEMBER THE ROMANCE BITS. Clearly, I need to reread Tamora Pierce.

    This was fun. The only one I've not read is Unspoken, so I get most of your references. Weeeeee!

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    1. Oh yeah, I remember that post! I think that was the moment i was like, "Okay, I need to be friends with the person who makes She's the Man references. And yes, I really dislike that trope. I HURTING YOU... FOR YOUR OWN GOOD! We can get the drama of heartbreak but you don't have to tarnish the hero in the readers' eyes! Win-win!

      Yeah, Cho needs a good slap or five.

      WELL IF KING OF THE WERELEOPARDS SAYS

      Yes. Reread Tamora Pierce. Basically Jonathan assumes so many things about Alanna and her future, and he doesn't take into account what she wants, and he doesn't listen to her because he's in his arrogant princely phase. Oh, Jon. Broke my 11 year old heart.

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  3. I. Love. This. Post.

    These are the ones that came to mind:

    Clara & Tucker in Hallowed. I don't remember the exact excuse, but that's what it was: an unsatisfactory excuse.

    Daniel & Luce in Torment. Frankly, I don't care for either, but he stuck her in a boarding school and flew off to fight some obscure angel war. In true Lucinda Price manner, she didn't grow a backbone and just waited for him while being woefully tragic, but a boy-magnet all the same. He randomly checked in and kidnapped her from her friends to do some kissing and fighting on an even more random beach. They broke up for realz when he saw her kissing love interest #3. How did that happen? He had a habit of standing on her balcony and watching her when she was sleeping (sounds familiar) and the one time she noticed him was when her tongue was down another guy's throat. She ran after him but he flew away. Well, can't really compete with that. He also slept with her roomie in a moment of weakness.

    Lena & Ethan in Beautiful Darkness. She needed to mourn after her uncle's death. He didn't like her "slutty" cousin's influence on her, so he kissed the new blond, British chick to make himself feel better. Then he agonised some more. Le sigh.

    Lena & Alex & Julian in Delirium/Pandemonium/Requiem: Here's the thing. In theory, a break-up never took place in this triangle. I'm not sure, but I think Lena is still dating both Julian and Alex, even though they get in fist fights over her. WOOPS.

    Damn, break-ups in YA (sequels) are nasty.

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  4. Jon and Alanna. Liam and Alanna. No wonder she couldn't see that she belongs with George, arrogant douchebags who just know best! ruined her.

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  5. God I love this post! This is hilarious! Most of the break ups I had any strong feelings about have already been mentioned (Michael and Mia, Alanna + Jon + Liam). I did read Two- Way Street a couple months ago and the whole book is centered around a stupid break up. It was not only one of the dumbest break ups I've ever read, but the fact that the dumb break up was THE ENTIRE BOOK made it that much more...ergh

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    1. Two-Way street I finished last month. I agree I didn't like that it was based around the book. I went in thinking that they would discuss more road tripish things not oh he faked this because he slept with her. Also Courtney was way to whiny in my opinion.

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  6. I had to skip some of these because I haven't read the books but YES. YES TO ALL THE ONES I'VE READ. And I'm so glad someone hates Aspen as much as I do.

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  7. LOL YES. This post. The Henry & Cinder ones, especially.

    Asspen. I have a lot of issues with him too.

    I believe you were the one who told me to read the Alanna Quartet from Tamora Pierce, but now you have me a bit scared. WHAT HAS THIS JONATHAN DONE. AND WHY?

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  8. Oh my gosh, I'm coming back to this when I have a first breakup. LOVE IT. Also, Mia and Michael's was horrible. I almost threw my book.

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  9. Love this post.

    I was always amused by Harry breaking up with Ginny. "It's for your own good. He likes to hurt people I love." It's not like Draco wouldn't have known they were dating. This information would not have been hard for Voldemort to get and I doubt he would have thought, "Oh. He broke up with her. Must have just been a meaningless fling." and moved on. Who did Harry think he was fooling?

    JARED. I would have tossed that book across the room at that point except I was reading an e-galley and had a thought for my hardware. Just in time.

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  10. I totally laughed my head off when I read the Twilight ones! Gosh I have to admit that I like those books, but I don't know why? They are really not that great when you think about it, but they are so readable!

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  11. Ha ha, yeah, I'm not a fan of Aspen either. Elliot's breakup with Kai was a cold one, but he didn't really leave her with any other option to break it off with him, and like you said, I think she was at least mostly right in staying. Loved what you said about Kai throwing Cinder in prison after showing up at the ball... ha ha... definitely crappy, but he didn't really have much choice in the matter either.

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  12. This is hilarious! Especially the twilight breakups. I didn't give it much though before, but OMG Edward was such a doorknob by breaking up with her in a freaking forest! Honestly, if I was him, I wouldn't even risk breaking up with her. If she will go into hibernating mode, and risk her life anyway, than what was the point of the break up?

    I LOVE this post!

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  13. This comment really has little to do with YA breakups, but I loved how you referred to Harry and Hermione's relationship as one of the greatest non-romantic relationships in history because I agree. I was really upset in the later films when Harry and Hermione were portrayed as potential love interests because I didn't get that in the books at all.

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  14. ASSPEN! BWAHAHAHAHA! XD *wipes tear* This post. Just... awesome. And I totally agree with Bella and Edward's breakup being the worst. (heck, it was pretty stupid!) I mean, some authors just SUCK at writing these! XD

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  15. ASSPEN. DAY. MADE. I loathe him.

    Edward Cullen. Oh Edward. See, even though he's a controlling d-canoe, I SORT OF like him when he's far away (FAR AWAY) from Bella. Like...in THEORY he's not bad. But I hated him for doing that to Bella. Girlfriend has NO self esteem and he KNEW how bad that was gonna be. Dude could have done the break up so much better.

    Jacob/Bella killed. My. Soul. I haven't recovered. I will NEVER recover. In my mind, at least the series ends with Eclipse and Breaking Fail....er Dawn NEVER happened. Ugh. I can't even with Stephenie Meyer.

    My worst is Gale/Katniss. I can't. I can't even LOOK at Mockingjay without tearing up. I opened it the other day to TRY and I immediately started bawling. So yeah. Worst EVER EVER EVER EVER.

    Molli

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  16. I really love this post and found it a really fun read. I don't really count Cinder and Kai's as a relationship as a break up since they were never really together and the reason he imprisoned her was for political reasons so I'm not really mad at him for it at all.

    The worst breakup I've ever read is the one between Seishiro and Subaru in Tokyo Babylon this breakup includes Subaru finding out that Seishiro has been lying to him the entire year that they have known each other, that Seishiro feels nothing for him and sees him merely as an object that he plans to destroy, Seishiro beating the crap out Subaru and attempting to murder him and Seishiro murdering Subaru's identical twin sister who is one of the only people he's close to(the others are Seishiro himself and his Grandmother) and worst of all Subaru still loves Seishiro. I challenge you to find a more brutal break up.

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  17. This post SLAYS me, seriously, particularly the ones for the books I've read. I mean, come on Jonathan - you were SUCH a jerk to Alanna. That is all. And my soul hurts for Elliot & Kai, and also for Kai and Cinder! Great job coming up with this list :)

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  18. This post is made of fabulous & rainbows & caffeine; I love it. ILY, also.

    Michael and Mia is also a break-up I am a little fuzzy on but that is because I'm pretty sure if I wasn't fuzzy I'd be tearing up, yo, because it was not pretty. <3

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  19. Hey lol I'm like seriously laughing my ass off right now :D
    This is was just too awesome to read!!!
    Awesome writing and humor, I love!

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  20. The hardest breakup for me has to be the Hallowed in the second book of the Unearthy series. I loved Tucker and Clara I HATED their breakup. So I haven't read the last one yet.

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