Review: Frozen by Melissa de la Cruz and Michael Johnston

Review: Frozen by Melissa de la Cruz and Michael Johnston
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Release date: September 17th, 2013
Publisher: Putnam Juvenile
Series: #1 in the Heart of Dread series
Source: ARC from BEA
Rating:



From New York Times bestselling author Melissa de la Cruz and Michael Johnston comes this remarkable first book in a spellbinding new series about the dawn of a new kind of magic.

Welcome to New Vegas, a city once covered in bling, now blanketed in ice. Like much of the destroyed planet, the place knows only one temperature—freezing. But some things never change. The diamond in the ice desert is still a 24-hour hedonistic playground and nothing keeps the crowds away from the casino floors, never mind the rumors about sinister sorcery in its shadows.

At the heart of this city is Natasha Kestal, a young blackjack dealer looking for a way out. Like many, she's heard of a mythical land simply called “the Blue.” They say it’s a paradise, where the sun still shines and the waters are turquoise. More importantly, it’s a place where Nat won’t be persecuted, even if her darkest secret comes to light.

But passage to the Blue is treacherous, if not impossible, and her only shot is to bet on a ragtag crew of mercenaries led by a cocky runner named Ryan Wesson to take her there. Danger and deceit await on every corner, even as Nat and Wes find themselves inexorably drawn to each other. But can true love survive the lies? Fiery hearts collide in this fantastic tale of the evil men do and the awesome power within us all.

There's no beating around the bush. Frozen is a bad book. It's a bottom-of-the-slush-pile, never-gonna-happen, mish-mash-mess of a book you'd expect from someone who just woke up one day and decided to be a novelist. It is stupefying and fascinating in its awfulness. It contains poor grammar, poor plodding plotting, flat characters, and world-building that's entirely without focus. Is it a fantasy? Is it dystopian? Who knows? And, more important, who cares?

Why did I finish this book? Your guess is as good as mine. Perhaps it reached such a high level of hilarribad that I was physically incapable of looking away from it. Maybe I wanted the book to deliver on its promise so much, even though I knew it wouldn't, that I had to give it a chance.

Vague plot overview that can't be more specific because I didn't understand anything but this:

Nat is a "Marked", which means she has freaky eyes and hears a voice in her head and has weird powers. One day, she escapes from... prison? A hospital? A secret evil governmental place?... and goes to New Vegas to become a dealer. The world is frozen and post-apocalyptic-y, which means everybody is poor and the government is totalitarian like every other book I've ever read. The voice in Nat's head  tells her she must go find "the Blue", which apparently is the one place on Earth that's not all frozen over, because that is exactly how meteorology works. To do this, she hires Wes, the leader of the least exciting crew of teenage mercenaries in literature, to ferry her across the frozen nuclear wasteland to the frozen nuclear sea. Then there's a polar bear. For some reason.

Why was this book the worst thing to happen to me since that time I stepped on a Lego? Several reasons, the key ones being:

1. Grammar

Or, more accurately, a complete and total lack of it. This book makes the English language cry and my inner copy editor rage. When reading an ARC, you're guaranteed to run into the odd typo or grammatical error. I've come to expect this in ARCs every now and then, and I can tell what's accidental. But the writing in this book is not accidental. When almost every sentence is a run-on mess, or has errant commas and semi colons just hanging around wherever they please, or switches POV for a couple of words, it's not an accident. It's style. It's TACKY STYLE.



All quotes are taken from an uncorrected advance proof. I understand this, but STILL.

"Wes carried one because he had to, but he'd never killed anyone with it, he'd threatened many, of course, he'd waved it around, and shot drones and trucks and who knew what else, but his hands were clean, and so were his boys'."



HOW ON EARTH IS THAT ONE SENTENCE

"He smiled and she smiled back, and for a moment they were just an ordinary boy and girl in a car, neither runner and client, or mercenary and thief, and Nat saw a glimpse of how normal things could be."

Gillian's edit: He smiled, and she smiled back. For a moment, they were just an ordinary boy and girl in a car, neither runner and client NOR mercenary and thief, and Nat saw a glimpse of how normal things could be.

"Neither" is followed by "nor". "Either" is followed by "or". Periods go at the end of complete sentences. I... I can't.



"They will find their own way, the voice murmured, but Nat felt her stomach twist, here she was, in the safety of the truck, while outside, her friends--her friends were dying. People like her, hunted and killed. "

Gillian's edit: They will find their own way, the voice murmured, but Nat felt her stomach twist. Here she was in the safety of the truck while outside, her friends were dying. People like her were being hunted and killed.

(I'm such a bitch for doing this, but I CANNOT HELP MYSELF.)

"Wes was visibly trembling, and, more than once, he would ask Nat if it was day or night, his eyes were bothering him."

Gillian's edit: Wes was visibly trembling, and, more than once, he asked Nat if was day or night. His eyes were bothering him.

"Shakes--just plow through the fence--look there's a hole over there--we'll just rip through," Wes ordered.

Gillian's edit: "Shakes, just plow through the fence. Look, there's a hole over there! We'll just rip through!" Wes ordered.

Now, doesn't that look better? Still not great, but better?

"She realized he wasn't trying to wriggle out of the job; he was simply being decent; and she felt another rush of affection for this impulsive, good-looking boy."

TWO; SEMI; COLONS; IN; ONE; SENTENCE.

 

 "She joined him in laughter, but they both froze, as the sound of the wailer broke over the waves again--that awful, horrible scream--the sound of broken grief--a keening--echoing over the water--filling the air with its mournful cries..." [SIC SIC EVERYTHING SIC IT MAKES ME SICK]

What--do you-- think you are-- doing--exactly--here...



2. World-building

Everything but the kitchen sink. Absolutely no logic whatsoever. Crammed, crowded, and defying logic. Fragments that emulate the tacky writing style. Nothing but fragments and run-ons. Apparently there was a big Flood but also a Freeze and the government took over for some reason but there are battles being fought in places and population control for some reason but there are also magical Marked people with dragon tattoos and voices in their heads and light eyes and nobody has money or warmth but everybody has full tanks of gas and boats and Hummers and nobody can read but some people speak in texts and none of it makes a DAMN LICK OF SENSE.

No, seriously, this book includes: a frozen, post-apocalyptic wasteland; "Marked", magical people; sylphs or something (?); smallmen (?!?!); psychic dragons; polar bears; and even some things called thrillers, which are, hilariously, wonderfully, zombies.



Literacy and English are a thing of the past. All information is conveyed in either images and sounds or an "amalgam of symbols" called TEXTLISH. YES. TEXTLISH. That sound you just heard was the booming of a mushroom cloud where my brain used to be. A very popular "Reading-Based Entertainment" is called XCLNT <3 LULZ. Oh, but Korean still exists, because they go to K-Town and all the signs are in Korean and "textlish".

The true tragedy of this is how many good ideas are squandered. A bleak and frozen future? A toxic sea dotted with "trash-bergs", aka huge heaps of garbage comprised of the remnants of the past? These are all elements that could be amazing! Things really pick up once they make it to sea, both plot-wise and world-building-wise. There's actually a nice-ish twist regarding a messed-up protection spell that's almost immediately ruined. The few glimmers of promise are drowned in an icy and interminable flood of stupid.

"But there were very few scientists these days, and the only books that remained were the physical ones that dated until the early twenty-first century."

WHY? Why are there no scientists or books?! I am a thousand percent positive the frozen apocalyptic future would have both. ESPECIALLY SCIENTISTS. THERE HAVE ALWAYS BEEN SCIENTISTS. THERE WILL ALWAYS BE SCIENTISTS. You are using futuristic technology, dolts. Therefore, there are scientists. And early twenty-first century, how clever. In the frozen future, all the little kidlets will be sitting around reading... Frozen! It will be the only book left! NO WONDER NOBODY CAN READ.

It was after curfew, when the only vehicles allowed in the streets were the Willie Winkie patrols...



OKAY. YOU CANNOT BRING UP SOMETHING AS ABSURD AS WILLIE WINKIE PATROLS AND THEN NOT EXPLAIN WHAT, PRECISELY, THAT IS.

There is a lack of water, and most people can't afford to drink it, and get by on a crap substitute called Nutri. HEY. PSST. GUYS. YOU LIVE IN A FUCKING FROZEN TUNDRA. YOU ARE SURROUNDED BY FUCKING SNOW AND ICE. DO YOU KNOW WHAT SNOW AND ICE ARE? THEY. ARE. WATER. JUST. MELT. IT. YOU..

"It's Bacon Fruit. Tastes like fruit, looks like bacon." 

Giselle warned me about this, but no amount of warning could have prepared me for this. I laughed so hard I choked on my own tongue. Bacon Fruit. There is a thing called Bacon Fruit. They use it a jacket insulation. To keep warm. But it's edible. Why the everloving fuck would you need or want such a thing? Why on earth wasn't it mentioned BEFORE it was used to miraculously save the day? Why didn't the editor ALSO choke on her own tongue and immediately strike this from the manuscript?

But logic is not at all present in Frozen. Somehow, on their journey from Las Vegas to Los Angeles, the characters pass through Phoenix. *checks handy US map* Um. No. There's also the part where Wes implies to Nat that he can't read and then... reads the title of her book over her shoulder. And then there's the part where the engine on the boat stops working, and then later the book references someone "turn(ing) the wheel and power(ing) the engines." Also, WHY did the frozen apocalypse happen? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?

3. Characters:

Everybody in this book is bland and floats around doing whatever stupid thing they're supposed to be doing at the moment, whether it be racing cars, jumping out of buildings, or standing perfectly stock still while a polar bear charges at their face. Mind you, that exhilarating car race TO THE DEATH lasts... three paragraphs. Thank you, Wes. That was thrilling. You sure showed me what an adrenaline junkie you are! Wes and Nat have the strangest flirtation going on through most of the book, and it's totally forced and awkward. INSERT ROMANTICAL FEELINGS HERE! BANTER, PUPPETS!

"We're not sticking around after that. Got it?"
"Who says I want you to stick around," [sic] she said tartly. [WHEN YOU ASK A QUESTION, USE A DAMN QUESTION MARK.] [Tartly. Honestly.]
His dark eyes sparkled. [Just say 'darkled' and be done with it.] "Careful, you might change your mind about that once you get to know me."
"Doubt it," she said, even as her cheeks flushed a little.



Also, this is the second time they've ever spoken. Why are they flirting? Why do they like each other? Wait, all of a sudden they're in the most tepid "true love" ever? Who are these people? Oh, God, is that a dragon? WHERE THE SHIT DID A DRAGON COME FROM? WHY?

4. "Plot"

Yep, this book suddenly becomes a high fantasy adventure right at the very end. Just when I thought, "Hey, wait a second, that was maybe not so terrible", BOOM! The book erupts with lunacy. In the last 20 pages we FINALLY learn what Nat's powers are and what the hell anything is. It's all so very deus ex machina, too. I couldn't understand the world-building or anybody's motivations or the "love" story. The adventure part should totally be entertaining, but its not. Nat is using a jewel necklace as a map to the Blue. How? How do you find a location using a necklace? HECK IF I KNOW. The navigating part is mostly just:

 

It's the same deal with the voice in Nat's head. Nat goes on this whole quest just because the voice tells her to. And then she special-snowflakes all over the place and yaaaawn. So much narrative cheating at the end, so much "twu wuv saves the day and brings people back to life" and vommmmm.

This book is a train-wreck. No, it's a plane crash-landing on a boat that takes out a bridge that explodes a train that wrecks thirty cars. DON'T READ THIS BOOK. That's all I have to say. DON'T, DON'T, DON'T.

OR THE THRILLERS WILL GET YOU.