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Friday, June 17, 2016

How to be a Real (Awesome) Book Blogger



It seems like everyone these days has opinions about the right way to be a book blogger. Well, all those people are wrong. WRONG. Only I know what it takes to be a real book blogger. Step into my office, children. Follow old Rafiki, he know the way.

The DEFINITIVE (TM Buzzfeed) List of Things You MUST DO to Be a Book Blogger

(which clearly don't include being able to spell "blogger" because that is the third time I have typed "blooger")

(petition to rename it "blooger")

1. Have internet access

At least once a decade, probably.

2. Know what a blog is

Internet place. Place for words. And gifs!

3. Never use gifs.

Shit.

4. Know what a book is

Expensive way to level a table, amirite?

5. Post at least once a--well, once

I ran once, like, four years ago, but I still count as a runner.

6. Know how to read

Look at you! You're reading this post right now!

7. Never post negative reviews

Never post reviews at all, really. Just talk about how nice and rectangular books are. And how good they are for leveling tables.

8. Drink tea while holding a book

You must photograph yourself doing this as evidence. Or else it didn't happen and you can't be a book blogger.

9. Don't talk to people

People are not books. They're not at all rectangular. We dislike that.

10. Own at least zero books

If you don't meet your book buying quota each month YOU CAN'T SIT WITH US

11. Understand Mean Girls references

On Wednesdays we reference Lindsay Lohan movies

12. Get a lot of Arks

Arks are the be all and end all of book blogging, you guys. You never know when the big guy upstairs is gonna pull another full redo on our turd planet to flush out all the Trump supporters.

13. Don't waste your Arks!!!

You're not a real book blogger if you get Arks and then don't use them. Think of all those other bloggers who are now going to drown in the second apocalypse just because YOU were too lazy to assemble your Ark properly! Tsk tsk.

14. Follow all the blogging rules.

Wait, what are the rules?

15. There are no blogging rules.

But you just--

16. If you do not follow the blogging rules, we shall throw you into Mt. Doom.

But how are we supposed--

17. Do not question your blogging elders.

*silence*

Good.

Oh, and never fucking curse.

24 comments:

  1. Wow. I've never seen such heinous opinions. Blocked and reported.

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  2. hahaha This made my day! :D

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  3. 9. Don't talk to people

    People are not books. They're not at all rectangular. We dislike that.

    Life philosophy.

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  4. You are my favorite person. Wait... I can't like people! Drat... At least books are super nice and rectangular.

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  5. First I thought you were being serious, then when I realised you weren't, I thought you were going to put some other info after those points, and then when you didn't...I felt the need to comment. lol. This post made me giggle. Arks! PMSL. And yeah, people are baaaad! :P

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  6. Well I never fucking curse. I'll be great at this bloogering thing!

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  7. How many times do I get to propose to you before its weird?

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  8. Ahahaha brill! Thanks for this. I'm trying to pick a favourite but I can't. Maybe just the never fucking cursing.

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  9. This is great, now I know what to do to be an awesome blooger!

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  10. This is great, now I know what to do to be an awesome blooger!

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  11. Now I have to report you to the blogger police :-)

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  12. This is just too fantastic. So glad there are bloogers out there like yourself helping the new kids along into blooging greatness :)

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  13. This post is just too awesome not to comment. It's the funniest thing I've read in a while. :D

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  14. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA! Oh, thank you. Every time I start feeling like the bloggers I follow are taking themselves too seriously (and telling me how to be), you're a breath of fresh air.

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  15. Hahaha, thanks for the laughs. Brilliant!

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  16. I had retweeted this but not told you in here how it made me smile and laugh a lot! Thanks, that's brilliant!

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  17. Oh fuck all I am doing this so wrong

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