How to Go On a Book Binge

If you follow me on Twitter or Goodreads, you might have noticed that I am currently hip-deep in a binge read of the Under the Never Sky trilogy. I've just been gobbling down the pages like they're going out of style (I think that was a mixed metaphor, but we don't have time to dwell, there are PAGES TO READ). It's been quite an intense experience, so I put together a guide for my fellow marathon readers for the next time they attempt a binge.

Step 1: Assemble your materials.

Step 2: Have snacks and hydration on standby. Make sure you have access to a steady source of caffeine.

 


Step 3: Prepare your reading location. Comfort, light, room to stretch. Don your most comfortable and most hideous clothes.

Step 4: Place a box of tissues nearby in case of an onslaught of feels.

Step 5: Inform all of your friends and acquaintances that they will not receive any answers to their texts or emails for your set amount of binge time.

Step 6: If you have a pet, make sure they have a nest nearby and have been recently fed so they don't bother you.

Step 7: Use the restroom before beginning.

Step 8: BEGIN READING.

Step 9: Make sure to take breathing breaks. Roll your shoulders out to relieve tension. Try to persuade your pet to massage you. Become the most brilliant human being in  history when you obviously succeed.

Step 10: KEEP READING.

Step 11: Put the book down briefly so you can run in circles around the room and scream, "Ohmigodohmigodohmigod".

Step 12: FINISH BOOK ONE. THROW YOURSELF A MENTAL PARTY. Go on Twitter and CELEBRATE!

Step 13: You will now be struck with either the insatiable urge to pick up Book Two (CLIFFHANGERS!!!), or you will be filled with that sense of completion and success one feels upon finishing a book. DON'T SUCCUMB TO THAT. PERSERVERE. IMAGINE HOW AWESOME YOU'LL FEEL IF YOU FINISH *TWO*BOOKS.

Step 14: Eat snacks. Bathroom break. Text people your emotions. "ASDGJDFGHJ!!!" is perfectly acceptable.

Step 15: BEGIN BOOK TWO.

Step 16: This is where you will lose momentum. Stay strong. Turn off your phone. DO NOT BE DISTRACTED.

Step 17: Readreadreadreadreadreadreadread.

 

Step 18: Hiss menacingly at whatever idiot dares to ring your doorbell or call your landline (do people even have those anymore?).

Step 19: Twitter break so you can keyboard-smash at the shocking end of Act Two reveal.

Step 20: Power-read through until the end.

Step 21: Probably sleep. A little. Just so you don't actually die.

Step 22: Realize quickly that sleep is overrated and you MUST GET BACK TO THE BOOK BECAUSE IT'S THE END NOW AND YOU HAVE TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENS DEAR GOD JUST TELL ME.



Step 23: Settle into reading nook. It could be the nook you set up previously, or it could be a new one (your bed, perhaps... make sure you have the correct number of pillow with the correct amount of firmness, that water and snacks are nearby, and that the air temperature is to your liking).

Step 24: Read like you have never read before. Read like your life depends on it. Read like, if you stop, all the characters WILL DIE. You don't want that on your conscience, do you?

Step 25: Triumph.

Step 26: Collapse from reading overload. Cry into your tissues or your dog's fur. Let Twitter know all the capsy feelings in your heart. Take a jog around the block to let out some energy. Haha, no, just kidding. Obviously you should eat an entire tub of ice cream in one go.

CONGRATULATIONS!! You have earned the coveted Book Binge Award. This award is given in recognition of your unparalleled commitment to the consumption of the written word and your astonishing dedication to your couch potato craft. You've earned this, my friend. I couldn't be prouder of you.

I promise you, the disorientation and loopiness will wear off.

You know. Eventually.