Friday, December 6, 2013

How to Go On a Book Binge


If you follow me on Twitter or Goodreads, you might have noticed that I am currently hip-deep in a binge read of the Under the Never Sky trilogy. I've just been gobbling down the pages like they're going out of style (I think that was a mixed metaphor, but we don't have time to dwell, there are PAGES TO READ). It's been quite an intense experience, so I put together a guide for my fellow marathon readers for the next time they attempt a binge.

Step 1: Assemble your materials.


Step 2: Have snacks and hydration on standby. Make sure you have access to a steady source of caffeine.

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Step 3: Prepare your reading location. Comfort, light, room to stretch. Don your most comfortable and most hideous clothes.

Step 4: Place a box of tissues nearby in case of an onslaught of feels.

Step 5: Inform all of your friends and acquaintances that they will not receive any answers to their texts or emails for your set amount of binge time.

Step 6: If you have a pet, make sure they have a nest nearby and have been recently fed so they don't bother you.

Step 7: Use the restroom before beginning.

Step 8: BEGIN READING.

Step 9: Make sure to take breathing breaks. Roll your shoulders out to relieve tension. Try to persuade your pet to massage you. Become the most brilliant human being in  history when you obviously succeed.

Step 10: KEEP READING.

Step 11: Put the book down briefly so you can run in circles around the room and scream, "Ohmigodohmigodohmigod".

Step 12: FINISH BOOK ONE. THROW YOURSELF A MENTAL PARTY. Go on Twitter and CELEBRATE!

Step 13: You will now be struck with either the insatiable urge to pick up Book Two (CLIFFHANGERS!!!), or you will be filled with that sense of completion and success one feels upon finishing a book. DON'T SUCCUMB TO THAT. PERSERVERE. IMAGINE HOW AWESOME YOU'LL FEEL IF YOU FINISH *TWO*BOOKS.

Step 14: Eat snacks. Bathroom break. Text people your emotions. "ASDGJDFGHJ!!!" is perfectly acceptable.

Step 15: BEGIN BOOK TWO.

Step 16: This is where you will lose momentum. Stay strong. Turn off your phone. DO NOT BE DISTRACTED.

Step 17: Readreadreadreadreadreadreadread.

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Step 18: Hiss menacingly at whatever idiot dares to ring your doorbell or call your landline (do people even have those anymore?).

Step 19: Twitter break so you can keyboard-smash at the shocking end of Act Two reveal.

Step 20: Power-read through until the end.

Step 21: Probably sleep. A little. Just so you don't actually die.

Step 22: Realize quickly that sleep is overrated and you MUST GET BACK TO THE BOOK BECAUSE IT'S THE END NOW AND YOU HAVE TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENS DEAR GOD JUST TELL ME.

http://haleykinsjones.files.wordpress.com/2013/04/book-hangover-12.jpg

Step 23: Settle into reading nook. It could be the nook you set up previously, or it could be a new one (your bed, perhaps... make sure you have the correct number of pillow with the correct amount of firmness, that water and snacks are nearby, and that the air temperature is to your liking).

Step 24: Read like you have never read before. Read like your life depends on it. Read like, if you stop, all the characters WILL DIE. You don't want that on your conscience, do you?

Step 25: Triumph.

Step 26: Collapse from reading overload. Cry into your tissues or your dog's fur. Let Twitter know all the capsy feelings in your heart. Take a jog around the block to let out some energy. Haha, no, just kidding. Obviously you should eat an entire tub of ice cream in one go.

CONGRATULATIONS!! You have earned the coveted Book Binge Award. This award is given in recognition of your unparalleled commitment to the consumption of the written word and your astonishing dedication to your couch potato craft. You've earned this, my friend. I couldn't be prouder of you.

I promise you, the disorientation and loopiness will wear off.

You know. Eventually.


19 comments:

  1. hahahaha This is great. I always opt to stay up to read more as opposed to sleeping. Pfft. Work. I don't need to be coherent. Glad to hear you're enjoying these... and I had no idea this was a trilogy so I'm definitely going to wait until Into the Still Blue is out so I can binge read them too!

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  2. Hahahaha I loved this post. For some reason, the convincing your dog to give you a massage left me rolling with laughter.

    I've only ever book-binged three times:

    I read the entire TWILIGHT series in 2 days one summer (shame, I know)
    I read the entire UGLIES series over the course of 3 days while still in school (those lost 18 hours tripped me up!)
    And I read THE MORTAL INSTRUMENTS when it was still a trilogy in 2 days (that was A LOT of pages)

    And I can honestly say that if you replace the coffee with Arnold Palmer's iced tea and lemonade, this was my experience. lmao

    Congrats on the successful marathon ;)

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  3. Brilliant post!! I am planning a few binge readings on a few trilogies, so I will be sure to keep all this tips handy!
    Also, I'm green with envy of you, you have Into The Still Blue!!!!

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  4. Hahah this is awesome! I did half a book binge once: read the first four books in the Outlander series in a MONTH. But then I needed a break because they were about 1500 pages each and my eyeballs (and feels) were dying. I love book bingeing, always seem to do it when there are two books in a trilogy out and then I'm desperately awaiting the final book. Methinks I'll do the same thing you're doing with this series once the third comes out :)

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  5. Yes! I'm going to book binge the Legend series within the next couple of weeks so I need this. I've heard such great things about Legend, Prodigy and Champion, I don't think I can go wrong.

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  6. I laughed while reading this post! Love it! I'm about to start on a book binge soon so this post has been very helpful! ;)

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  7. Step 18. Unless it's the mail person bringing you book packages, then take a moment to rejoice but resist picking up the new book! ;-)

    The disorientation and loopiness! That is totally a thing, and I'm glad I'm not the only one who gets it, haha. I did a 24-hour binge and the next day I was completely out of it even though I got a decent amount of sleep. My brain just had so much trouble disengaging, haha.

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  8. Hahaha, I love binge reading :D! It's such a relieve to read an entire series, because you don't have to wait after a horrible cliff-hanger :D

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  9. I laughed pretty hard at this. Really good advice, sadly my days of book marathons are long gone thanks to my toddler.

    Great post :)

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  10. Bahahahahahahaha! This post is amazing! I'm a big fan of a good book binge. It's been awhile for me though, but I should make it happen soon!

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  11. Hahaha this was amazing! I love book binging! Definitely on the bathroom break... I hate when that gets in the way of reading! "I have to pee SO badly but.... one more chapter to see what happens..." <-- me, every time. I binge read books 3-6 of Vampire Academy in 1 weekend and then had the WORST book hangover ever afterward. Thank god for twitter to tweet all my feels! I need to read this series though! I've been meaning to for forever!

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  12. damn!!! You make it sound so awesome - I'm following your guide step by step for my next binge!

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  13. Hahahah! I loved this, and have totally been through before. Too bad my family does not the need to focus on a book instead of fuction like a normal person. Ugh, lame right?

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  14. I wish I could read like this, but I just...can't. I get tired and distracted no matter how good the book is.

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  15. So funny! Love the HUGE cup of coffee!! I wish I had time to do this, but I can't imagine being able to drop all my other responsibilities and just read...maybe in my next life:)

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  16. This is entirely accurate and I wish I could have a coffee cup that size. You've covered the highs and lows of the binge with your usual hilarious brilliance. Please never stop. (Short comment to balance out the novel I left you on Eleanor & Park)

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  17. So funny! I have the first two on my kindle. I apparently need to read them!

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  18. Hilarious! Question: Can you binge read via audiobook? Because right now I'm listening to a fantastic fantasy series by Cinda Williams Chima and I CAN'T STOP!!!

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  19. This post is AWESOME! I did a binge read of a bunch of series I wanted to finish earlier this year, and it's a fairly accurate description of exactly what happened while I did. I'm glad you had a good time binge reading the Under the Never Sky series -- which I promise to read early next year.

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