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Monday, October 28, 2013

How to Survive the Apocalypse (As Taught by YA Fiction)


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I used to think that, if aliens took over or a meteor crashed to earth or half of us turned into zombies or microwaves turned out to be evil sentient brain-zapping machines, I'd totally be the first to die. I still think that, but now I realize I might have a fighting chance in our hypothetical zombie-alien-microwave apocalypse. Why? Because of just how many YA novels I've read set in fraught times. It's not just survival of the fittest anymore, folks. It's survival of the best read. I've done the research.

Here are some of the tips I've learned from YA novels over the years:

Find water, stay near water, water water water. Katniss knows this, the chick in Not A Drop to Drink knows this. WATER.

Shoot first, ask question later. Better to be safe and guilty than sorry and dead! The apocalypse doesn't care if you're a good person or not. NEITHER SHOULD YOU.

Fall in love with someone really hot, because you'll probably survive if your life has a better storyline in it. Zombies only eat ugly people with no boyfriends.

Don't do anything anybody in this book did.

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Schools, supermarkets, and prisons make for optimal environments to be trapped in. Schools, because then your struggle for life can neatly mirror the sociological tropes found in most high school societies, prisons, because why not, and supermarkets, because food. Try to be stuck in one of them already when the apocalypse beings. I'll write a post on tips for getting sent to prison some other time.

Don't make friends with other boys besides your boyfriend because they are probably aliens in disguise who want to eat you or kill you or sex you. It's hard to tell with aliens.

Do not have too big a group with you, because a lot of them will clearly die because its hard to keep track of too many characters and why put yourself through that. Especially if they are girls who are prettier and more interesting than you. They will totally die.

DON'T EVER TRUST ADULTS OR THE GOVERNMENT OR PEOPLE THAT SOUND AT ALL REASONABLY INTELLIGENT. THEY TOTALLY WORK FOR THE ZOMBIES/ALIENS/MICROWAVES.

Never, EVER separate. "You check that floor for zombies, I'll check this floor, we'll meet at the top!" Yeah, NO. You deserve to have your face eaten off. You idiot. And if someone bangs on the window or doors, DON'T LET THEM IN! They want to eat your face and not in a good way!

If one douchebag is out-douchebagging the rest of the people in your survival group, trying to be the leader and making dumb-ass decisions, just kill him. Immediately. He'll just die later anyway. Then eat him for dinner. The supermarket-ware won't last forever!

Don't have sex, because you will get pregnant, and die. Don't have sex in the missionary position, don't have sex standing up, just don't do it, okay, promise? Okay, now everybody take some rubbers. 


With this fool-proof guide, you're sure to survive whatever the end of days happens to throw at you. Except for werewolves. I've got nothing against those things. You're on you're own. This can only end in tears.

 


28 comments:

  1. LOL yep! I know exactly WHICH book you were referring to for a lot of these tips. It was fun to try and figure out. I'd also like to add, find a radio and listen ALL THE TIME. Because that is in almost every book too.

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    1. Ooooo, excellent advice! So many useful plot dumps come from radios!!

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  2. Hahahahahaha! Those are some great ideas there! Never thought it this way!

    What a fun post! :D

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  3. I love you best. This post is fabulous. And never trust the alien boys who want to sex you. They are way more nefarious then the ones who just want to kill you.

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  4. Love this!!! The argument against being in a big group is probably why I'd be in one - the others would be food for the zoms, and I'd be safe ... hopefully :-)

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  5. Also solid advice: be a white teen who crushes on the most sketchy, possessive asshole left on earth. It helped Cassie, after all!
    I ADORE this post. I would totally die in an apocalypse. I have a suspicion pigeons would go completely rabid and I'm probably their first target. Pigeons, man. I hate them. I think it's mutual.
    Oh, I would totally want the whole Anastasia cast on my end-of-the-world team. That is my idea of fun! Whaaaatwhaaaat.

    Now to bookmark this page for when the time is nigh. Wouldn't want to sign my death warrant with accidental sex or Tumble & Fall stupidity...

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    1. YES! Being white is the most important tip you can give! Crush on ALL the sketchy assholes!

      Pigeons are Satan's feathered minions.

      Dmitri would save me from the pigeons.

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  6. <3 this post! Though I'm worried the supermarket would attract people with bigger guns than me. How about a nice isolated but well-stocked cabin in fertile hunting grounds? The aliens will never look there!

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    1. You will win the apocalypse lottery if you find one of those! And of course, the aliens will NEVER look there!

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  7. Hahahaahhaahahahahahhahahaha, this is brilliant on so many levels! I'll have to print this out and carry it in my purse. Just kidding...maybe...

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    1. YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN IT MAY COME IN USEFUL.

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  8. Zombies only eat ugly people with no boyfriends.

    WIN.

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  9. ROFL! I was going to copy/paste my favorite quote and praise you for it in the comments but then all of them were my favorite so I'm just going to tell you that I am laughing way to hard (there may be tears) and now my surrounding cubicle dwellers are wondering WTF. I love everything about this.

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    1. I AM GLAD TO BE OF SERVICE AND MAKE YOU LOOK EVEN WEIRDER TO YOUR OFFICEMATES THAN YOU PROBABLY ALREADY DID. <3333

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  10. LOL! I love this post. <3 You are amazing Gillian.

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  11. Hahahahaha. Awesome! lt's also not bad to get trapped in a bookshop right :p

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  12. What a great blog post! Awesome Mean Girls reference, too!

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  13. LOL! Yes, this exactly. Playing D&D taught me to never split the party, but the water and supermarket thing (and not ever having sex)? Totally YA.

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  14. I will totally always remember that WATER is key to survival!!!! :D

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  15. Now, since it's always the prettiest, most interesting girls who die, I'd argue that you should TOTALLY find a group of girls who are prettier and more interesting than you (if you can) (ha ha). That definitely lessens your chances of being brutally murdered by microwavable alien zombies... er, you know what I mean.

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  16. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH OMG I love this!! This is seriously one of the best blog posts I have read. Ever. And I think you have some sound advice in this thing. I shall keep a copy of this in my apocalypse survival kit (and it will be the only thing in my apocalypse survival kit).

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  17. This was far too amazing! I couldn't stop laughing the whole way through. Really, really great post!

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  18. I totally laughed out loud when adults started working for the microwaves and now my family thinks I'm crazy SO THANKS FOR THAT. Okay, now all I need to do is find a super hot boyfriend and let everyone else get peacefully murdered while he and I are making out, y/y? Cool. Bring it, aliens/zombies/microwaves.

    Mean Girls references make life better. (http://paperiot.tumblr.com/post/65431595949/lbardugo-game-of-thrones-mean-girls)

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  19. Sweet. I live pretty close to a river. So, step one is accomplished.

    Ooh, and I'm not plagued by guilt when survival is on the line, so I can totally shoot first and ask questions later.

    Damn it, I never have a boyfriend. Well, fuck. *is a tasty Zombie treat*

    Hmmm, I think the only store I could get to really quickly from my house is a dollar store. May have to leave earlier to take over the Publix.

    Your boyfriend might also be an alien.

    TAKE THAT, MORE INTERESTING GIRL. YOU CAN NOT HAS MY BOYFRIEND. *feeds more interesting to microwave piece by piece*

    Adults be bitches.Government bitches.

    Nope. I will freaking duct tape my self to my group members. Ain't leaving me behind, evil lady parts group members!

    I WILL KILL THE BEAST.

    Well, you know I can manage this one.

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