Monday, May 18, 2015

If the Books on My Shelves Were People

This is less a discussion and more some fun nonsense sparked from a conversation I had with Sana on Twitter:

I asked if a book could be your best friend (because Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda basically is) and Sana said OF COURSE because The Dream Thievesis her best friend. Which started me thinking what if books really WERE your best friend? Or just people you knew? What would the personality of each book be if it were a person?

So I decided to pretend all my books are people. Because I'm not already too attached to them.

The Dream Thieves by Maggie Stiefvater
TDT is that really cool boyfriend you love absolutely everything about but you don't really understand. (You suspect he may have a sixth sense. Or a drug problem.) He listens to music that's way too cool for you that's all about picturesque death and fate. There are bagpipes. You don't know why. You get the feeling you may lose him at any second. Not that he'll dump you--he'd never do that--but you have a feeling. (You might have a drug problem.) Every second you spend with him is precious. He smells like rain and mint and magic. He drives way too fast and occasionally lights things on fire. You find it adorable.

Heir of Fire by Sarah J. Maas
HoF has a shitty home life she never talks about. She takes kickboxing classes and beats up boys. She's broken a lot of bones, and she plans to break more. She has a cruel laugh. 39 different people asked HoF to prom and she said no to every single one of them.

Edit: This was too accurate not to include

Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda by Becky Albertalli
SvtHSA is your bestest best friend. He goes for midnight snack runs with you (Oreos, of course), reblogs all your fandom-related gifsets on Tumblr, and knows how to cheer you up when you're feeling blue. He wears converse and t-shirts with puns on them. He forgets to brush his hair, but he looks better that way anyway.

To All the Boys I've Loved Before by Jenny Han
TAtBILB is that girl you will never, ever be, no matter how hard you try. You cut your hair to match hers. You buy that sweater she's always wearing, the pink one with the white hearts. You fill your house with the same organizational thingies she has: cute folders, bookmarks, pens, and notebooks with cartoon smiling cookies and cakes and shit (there might even by literal smiling cartoon shit). You really like TAtBILB. She smells like cookies.

Everything Leads to You by Nina LaCour
ELtY posts Instagram photos of palm trees through hazy vintage filters and listens to bands you've never heard of. She spends a lot of time in Silverlake eating at quirky hipster food joints you've also never heard of. Two weeks later, they're featured as the one of 50 best restaurants in Los Angeles. She likes movies in black and white and decorates her bookshelves with twinkle lights shaped like stars in "warm white". She arranges her books by color and wears her hair in topknots.

Shatter Me by Tahereh Mafi
SM is the girl who sits in the back of the class and eats her hair and yet somehow gets all the test answers correct??? You sort of hate her for it, but she really does have beautiful hair. You can sort of understand why she eats it. 39 people asked SM to prom and she said yes to all of them.

Every Breath by Ellie Marney
EB is that foreign exchange student all the girls are IN. LOVE. WITH. He has dimples, an accent, and knows tons of trivia about everything. Your heart does dangerous things whenever you're around him. The brakes on his car only work a fraction of the time. He's big trouble.

Cinder by Marissa Meyer
C is a star athlete and of ambiguous ethnicity. She is solidly popular, solidly attractive, and always sticks up for bullied freshmen. Very few people dislike her, and everyone dislikes the people who dislike her.

Divergent by Veronica Roth
D is the most popular kid in school, but she doesn't actually like people. She likes punching things and trains. She wears combat boots and has the shiiiiiniest hair. It seriously just grows out of her head like that. It makes you mad because oh my god she probably didn't even BRUSH IT that morning. You sort of want to pet it, but you don't dare get within ten feet of D, because of the punching and the trains and shit. D got into her choice college so early she was probably still in middle school when it happened. D has mastered the resting bitchface.

Eleanor & Park by Rainbow Rowell
EP got voted homecoming queen and she's completely unsure how that happened.You hate all of EP's clothes but you love her outfits. EP takes art classes and collects vinyls. The records, not the Funkos. She tweets about the music that makes her cry. Her Tumblr is very melancholy but she goes out of her way to send people nice messages in their inboxes. She does not have a Facebook.

The Art of Lainey by Paula Stokes
TAoL is the first friend you invite to sleepovers. She brings the best ice cream flavors and knows every word of Pitch Perfect. She can do French braids. She will talk shit about all your ex-boyfriends with you.

Between the Devil and the Deep Blue Sea by April Genevieve Tucholke
BtDatDBS hangs out alone in graveyards and overgrown meadows and really dusty rooms covered in mold and sadness, but it's by choice. Her Tumblr is filled with pictures of Victorian paranormal photos. She wears vintage clothes and never brushes her hair, but it looks good. If you dump pig's blood on her, she will prooooobably murder your whole town. She talks with an accent no one can identify.

Red Queen by Victoria Aveyard
RQ has the best fashion sense you've ever seen. She files her nails to points and pretends to threaten people with them. People laugh. She's not actually pretending.

So, that was, like, the weirdest yetfunnest post I've ever put together. I feel like it's made me closer with all my friends books. Possibly too close.

Edit: Feel free to add your own "If Books Were People" in the comments or something if you want because that could be awesome and hilarious and thrill me to pieces


  1. Oh. My. God.
    This is the best thing ever.
    You nailed them (even though I've never read some of them, but I'm sure you probably nailed the themes for them too). I especially loved The Dream Thieves and Every Breath one.

    Awesome post, Gillian!

  2. I think I'm in love with this post. Hold on, I just need a minute to process....

    Oh my gosh, why didn't I think of this awesome post idea? Though I never would've done it justice. <3

    I've only read TATBILB and Eleanor and Park, but they are spot on. I need to go read the rest of these books now. Especially Everything Leads To You...and finish Simon.

    This was a fantastic post.

  3. This is the best post ever.

    This is the sort of post that makes me wonder why I even post.

    This is the sort of comment that makes me wonder why I bother commenting because it's impossible to get the balance between appreciative praise and a slightly creepy young blog-stalker.

    "He smells like rain and mint and magic." His name is Richard Campbell Gansey III. You're really worried he's going to die in the fourth book ....


    1. this is going to end with me shipping books together i can already tell





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  6. Oh my goodness, I LOVE it! I'm only familiar with a few of those, but Shatter Me and Divergent are SPOT. ON.
    Well done, you!

  7. This was the best post! I haven't read all of the books you have listed but the ones I have read were seriously perfect :D

  8. This reminded me of The Breakfast Club haha there's a jock, a criminal, a basket case, and a princess. So funny! I love Celaena's description. She is Kat!


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