|hosted by The Broke and Bookish|
I think the level of hate I am capable of holding in my heart for fictional characters is not healthy. I'm honestly a pretty cheerful person (no, really), but I am alarmingly prone to rant as well. Which is why I was afraid when I saw what this week's Top Ten Tuesday subject was. I was all, "Oh, great. I'm probably going to rant again."
Guess what? I ranted. I can't help it. Trigger my inner grumpopotamus and STAND BACK, 'cause thar she snarks! It's like a geyser of negativity! You just can't stop it!
Which is why I must preface this with a little warning. I am not known for pulling punches, and I certainly don't do so in this list. My feelings for these characters are my feelings only, and they are only for these characters and CERTAINLY NOT for the readers of these books. I don't think people who love the books I don't like are stupid or wrong. If you love these characters, that's fine! I love you. I don't want to insult you and I really hope I don't offend you with my curmudgeonly ways.
Also, a lot of these characters happen to have a lot of redeeming qualities, and I like a lot of the books they appear in. I don't hate all the characters I've listed; these were just the ones I was most frustrated by. Some I do hate, though. I can't help it.
I get a bit spoiler-y, so if you come across a character from a book you haven't read, you may want to skip over that one.
1. Mia Thermopolis from The Princess Diaries
I love Mia. She's a lot like me. But sometimes she's so dense I want to reach through the pages and shake her. She actually spends an entire book freaking out about whether her boyfriend is in love with her or just loves her. Mia. Girl. If a teenage boy trots out the L word-- particularly that teenage boy-- YOU'RE SOLID. JUST RELAX. Unless your hair makes you look like a moose. Then it is time to panic.
2. Molly Bartolucci from Undeadly
Molly frustrated me so much I felt compelled to rant for quite a while about her. She is dumb as a box of rocks and talks like her brain has been replaced with a cell phone. She is incapable of solving simple mysteries and apparently does not care if her actions lead directly to the deaths of several of her classmates. The DEATHS. Of her CLASSMATES. And she only ever worries about her boyfriend.
3. Lavender Brown from Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
Lavender Brown, kindly step away from Ronald Weasley. AWAY, I SAY. Don't make me crucio your ass.
|And I happen to not give a flying hippogriff.|
4. America Singer from The Selection
Well, mostly I was frustrated by her complete lack of personality. Then I was frustrated by her inability to appreciate the fancy clothing being flung at her. "I'm a simple girl! I like simple things! Like jeans! And constantly talking about how un-beautiful I am! Even though I have two boyfriends!" Then I was frustrated because I wanted her book to be better than it was, but that wasn't her fault, I guess.
5. Mr. Rochester from Jane Eyre
Stop literally every single thing that you are doing. Yes, I'm talking about the part where you are a total ass to Jane for two hundred pages, including dressing in drag and pretending to be an old gypsy lady for God knows what reason, and then you're all, "Just kidding! I was pretending to not care about you to make sure you loved me! It was a test! You passed! LOL, wasn't that fun? We shall be married in the morning." Yes, I know you love Jane. No, you should not marry her. Why, you ask? Really? WHY? I'M PRETTY SURE YOU KNOW WHY, MR. ROCHESTER. I AM PRETTY SURE YOU ARE AWARE OF WHY THIS IS A BAD IDEA.
6. Frodo Baggins from The Lord of the Rings
I will be mean to anyone who is mean to Samwise Gamgee. Dude. He was willing to leave the freaking Shire, get attacked by orcs like a hundred times, scale all manner of tall things, and endure the never-ending lunacies of a withered, bug-eyed schizophrenic, all for you. The least you can do is be nice and quit being so maudlin. And when you finally get to the place you've been limping toward for three thousand pages so you can accomplish the one simple task that will save all of Middle Earth, you do it. You throw the damn ring in the lava. Immediately.
|On second thought... it really is very shiny, isn't it? It would be |
a shame to destroy something so shiny.
7. Holden Caulfield from Catcher in the Rye
I just want to pinch him. Whiny, ungrateful little snot. You make me feel old and curmudgeonly, Holden. I was assigned this book in ninth grade, when I was fourteen years old, and all my friends were like, "He so gets me! He's the voice of youth! Adults are phonies!" And I was like, "Apparently, so am I, because I just want to whap him and tell him to get the eff off my lawn and go back to school."
8. Everybody in Falling Kingdoms
This was one of those books where I found myself talking to the characters out loud. "Cleo, no. NO. That is a STUPID PLAN. What do you expect to actually do out there? Well, don't look at me when everything blows up in your face. Ugh, Magnus, don't. That's evil. Please don't do that. What are you- DON'T DO THAT. DO NOT DO THAT. SHE'S YOUR SISTER STOPPIT STOPPIT--" *vomits everywhere*
9. Araby from Masque of the Red Death
GIRL. Take some anti-depressants or something. You are bringing me DOWN. Yeah, she improved a lot as the book went on, but in the beginning, Araby was just deliberately, persistently depressed. I really can't stand characters who actually try to be gloomy. I mean, she made this stupid pact after her brother died that she can't ever do anything that her brother will never get to do, due to his no longer being alive. This includes experiencing any joy whatsoever, apparently. Oh, you don't care about life? FINE. Then I don't care about you. Moan moan moan.
10. Amy March from Little Women
Not only did you steal Laurie, but you BURNED. JO'S. MANUSCRIPT. She may have forgiven you, but I never forget, Amy March. Never. You ever try that with my manuscript and I will throw you into the flames along with it.
11. Zoey Redbird from the House of Night series
Zoey's daily agenda includes whining, being selfish, not dying when she should, stringing along at least twelve different guys, cheating on all of them, lying to her friends, talking like an idiot, and treating perfectly nice people like "bullpoopie" (direct Zoey quote).
12. Bella Swan AND Edward Cullen from Twilight
Oh, Twilight. I would not be surprised if Bella showed up on ninety percent of today's lists. She is a very popular target nowadays. Let me say that when I first read these books, I didn't just read them; I gobbled them up like they were delicious sugary pie (my pie-eating methods include eating it all and eating it very fast). The thing about Twilight is that it can fool you with it's Twilightian logic. You get brainwashed by the many, many descriptions of Edward's flawless face. You don't realize the inherent WTFery present until you take a step back and go "Hold the phone. This is not healthy. THIS IS NOT RIGHT."
Bella and Edward are both frustrating characters to me because I never understand their decisions or their thought processes. Their warped logic utterly CONFOUNDS me. But worse than that, I am frustrated and infuriated by the horrible life lessons they impress on readers.
|Why do you NEVER value your own life AT ALL?|
Lessons Bella Swan teaches us about life:
- Be klutzy to the point where you are actually physically disabled. It's cute. It will make boys want to
- If a guy is hot, it doesn't matter if he frequently talks about how badly he wants to murder you. He's hot! And sparkly! Who cares about dying? Being single is wayyyyy worse.
- You are nothing without a boyfriend. Codependence is where it's at. The more depressed you are when you get dumped, the more reaaaal your feeeeels were. Twue wuv means not being able to live without him. Bonus points if you manage to actually lose your goddamn mind in his absence.
- Have no other friends besides your boyfriend. If they don't sparkle, they don't count.
- Always take direct orders from your boyfriend in the most obedient fashion possible. You are woman, he is man. It make sense.
- If you start having hallucinations, the best thing to do is jump off a cliff so you can keep having them.
- You are inadequate and inferior. The only way to hold on to the super hot boy who makes your
- Don't have sex, because you will get pregnant and die. Don't have sex in the missionary position, don't have sex standing up, just don't do it, okay? Promise? Okay, now everybody take some rubbers.
Lessons Edward Cullen teaches you about life:
- Girls totally love it when you break into their rooms to watch them sleep at night.
- They also love it when you threaten to kill them.
- The best way to treat a woman is to treat her like your inferior. Rescue her often. Let her know that without you, she'd probably be dead. She will worship you like the pagan god you are.
- Your ideal mate is at least ninety years younger than you.
- Hate yourself. Hate yourself A LOT.
- If the girl you love dies, you should probably just die too. Suicide is totally in these days.
- Have no objections if your wife's ex-boyfriend decides he will one day sexify your infant daughter. THIS IS A NORMAL THING.
Not-so-honorable mentions: Ever from The Immortals, Cassia from Matched, Bianca from Evernight, Patch and Nora from Hush, Hush, every single solitary soul in Wuthering Heights, Lydia from Pride and Prejudice, Effie from The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, Luce from Fallen, and... wow. Still so much hate in my heart. I'm going to go hug a puppy or something.